Or I should say, some thoughts of NRIs.
I was reading Anamika Mukharji's latest post (righttowrite.blogspot.com) on the 60th Indian Independence Day. In one graf, she pointed out she was tired of Non Resident Indians (NRIs) who criticize India while comfortably enjoying life outside des. Couldn't agree more with her, and I would like to think I refrain for the same reason.
Then I got to thinking about the NRIs I knew. Attend any desi party any time and the favorite topic of conversation isn't India-bashing. It's bashing the U.S. -- the country the desis I know have chosen to live. If they aren't grumbling about how their white boss passed them over for a promotion (racist bastard of course), they are grumbling about the weird habits of their black/Chinese neighbors or the laziness of their Mexican gardener or housecleaner. Which attitude doesn't make them racist bastards, merely superior.
Indian heritage, culture, traditions, food are praised to the skies -- I am talking specifically about Hindus here because my experience is limited to them. On the other hand, NRIs claim Americans have no culture, no history and zero moral and family values. Because these folks may have a bad influence on Indian family values, NRIs do not fraternize with whites (derogatorily referred to as goras) -- forget the Chinese, blacks or Mexicans (you don't want to know how they refer to people belonging to these races). The only friends their children have are the desi offspring of their parents' desi friends. It's either that, or these children know early on not to bring their non-desi school friends home, aware that they won't feel welcome or comfortable.
It's hardly any wonder that these kids grow up confused (everyone's heard them referred to as ABCDs -- American Born Confused Desis). After all, they go to school and have to interact on a daily basis with non-desi kids. Soon they discover that American parents are pretty much the same as desi parents when it comes to doing homework and generally being involved in their kids' lives. Then they go to India for vacations. Thanks to the magnificent portrait their parents have painted of India's beauty and culture, they are doubly shocked to see the Unwashed Masses, the garbage piled on street corners, the careless disregard for the poor, the lame and the destitute. Then they see their parents hobnobbing with the resident Indians, glorying in their NRI status and complaining about the heat, the dirt. When will the country improve? they lament.
Eventually, these kids learn an important lesson: their parents are hypocrites.
Not all NRIs are this bad or racist. But we're all guilty to some extent of creating/participating in little mini-Indias where non-desis are deliberately excluded. If we can't interact normally with our American neighbors -- be they white, Southeast Asian, Hispanic or black -- what example are we setting for our kids? We have to accept that just as we will always be Indian at heart, our kids will always be American. And being American means accepting others, while celebrating what makes each one unique -- that Indian heritage that we will pass on to our children. A heritage to be proud of at all times -- one that acknowledges that tolerance for others is the backbone on which it has been based. Unity in diversity, remember? Indians and Americans should have at least that in common.
21 comments:
Good work! I never really thought it through, but the way you have explained the confusion of NRI kids makes a lot of sense.
I always say, if you transplant your kids out of your culture and then insist that they remain true to the 'original', then you are being unrealistic. That applies to people within India who move to cosmopolitan cities for opportunities and then insist their kids (who have gone to co-ed/multi-lingual schools and had a broader upbringing) to choose life partners from their own 'community' and also, of course, to people who leave India for foreign shores.
On a slightly related note, did you see The Namesake? And what did you think of it?
Good post! :)
There's always exception sto rules, and Ive seen both sides. It takes a conscious effort to be fair. To everyone.
Anamika: No, haven't seen the movie or read the book yet. It's on my to-do list.
Rads: It's true that I'm depicting an extreme kind of NRI. Many at least withold judgment of other races, but that's also because they choose not to be exposed to them and don't know enough.
nice post muser.
there are a lot of things i have gained from living outside india. one of them is to appreciate the good things india has more than i ever would have staying there. yes the not-so-nice stuff also stands out more glaringly and then you go to blaming the politicians and ultimately the whole attitude of indifference/apathy of indians in general. but that i might have done even if i were living in india.
the other is that my mind has really broadened. before i came here i had certain notions of firangs - like family doesnt matter that much to them etc - now i know its not true at all. i used to think we indians were smarter - now i know thats not necessarily true either. i have learnt that at the end of the day we are all more similar than not.
we are looking to moving back home at some point and am really glad we lived these years outside india.
re: chitra's article (don't forget to read the comments) and what you write about nris, all said and done, i feel that the following is true.
if you are still in the usa, you cannot blame either india or usa, or praise either india or usa, without coming across as a hypocrite to someone or the other.
once (if) you r2i, you can praise india and blame usa, and you will not (cannot?) be considered a hypocrite by anyone - some people might not like what you say, but would you be termed a hypocrite? no!
on the other hand, if one were to r2i (and has burned all bridges/gcs) and then praise usa and blame india, he/she would probably come across as someone who - at best - made a really bad decision.
what do you say?
a muser:
i see all these stereotypes of what desis talk in a group in the usa when they get together. outside of the stereotypical topics, could you suggest some off the wall topics (that i could use next time)? ;-)
- s.b.
rads:
it is practically impossible to be fair to both sides - i don't know how you manage. you (we) will come out as a hypocrite (one way or the other) whatever you (we) do!
- s.b.
Namvor/Chocbox: for me, all the years I've lived here (12 in Sept!), it's made me define who I am as a person and as an Indian. Time and again, I've been made to explain what being an Indian and Hindu really means. And one of our defining characteristics must be our overall tolerance for all our differences. Though that's more of an ideal than reality... both among Indians and Americans. But it's an ideal we all should aspire to. Besides defining my identity, living in the U.S. has also made me more of a global citizen. It sounds like it's been the same for you...
s.b.: You know, I wanted to digress at some point in the post to mention that as NRIs, we are truly dhobi ka kuttas. So we can't criticize India, because we don't live there anymore, and we can't criticize the U.S. because we weren't born here or aren't citizens! So who do we complain about?? It's a dilemma indeed! :)
s.b.: P.S. Checked out Chitra's post -- very well-written and the comments were fascinating. I made a comment too -- you may want to check it out. :)
a muser:
to have a fun time, i suggest you attend this get together ... :-) who knows, you might meet some kid who can sing nanha munna raahi. be forewarned, these guys are really hard core hindi film music buffs.
- s.b.
One thing I have always wondered about: When ever you ask any desi who is living in the US what his plan are, he always says that he is going to come back to India in the next five years (or three). Why is that? I mean what is going to happen in five years that wont happen either tomorrow or in ten years?
anon: if you were there, you'd know..
(muser, sorry for saying this in your space, couldnt help it ;) )
Thanks Choxbox! I'll add to your reply: Anon, some desis I know have plans based on their finances. They may think that in 5 years, they'd have some savings built up to head back to India. Or in 5 years, they may be able to complete some financial obligations (towards parents, etc.) and then feel they have the freedom to do what they want (i.e., go back). Another reason maybe that they may want to move back before their U.S.-born kids grow older and find it harder to adjust to life in India.
a muser:
i guess one dhobee kaa kutta can criticize other dhobee ke kutte without being denounced as a hypocrite or coward or any such, eh? ;-)
i mean, you can take an indian our of india, but you can never take his sense of "ist" away from him! last week, i went for the independence day celebrations at the local temple. as the e-mail said kids will be performing at noon, i got my kids along. we there until 1:20 pm, no kidding, and endured (kids, not me - i liked it) a cpr demonstration (not in the agenda e-mailed), followed by a lecture of colorectal cancer ... followed by god alone knows what, but at that time, my little kiddo threw a god almighty tantrum, so i had to leave. i did write an e-mail that evening complaining bitterly, to which i expect to get no response.
just think about the kids waiting to perform (or maybe they already knew that they were slotted for 3 pm or some such, who knows?).
btw, chitra blogs well, but her e-mails are much better!!
- s.b.
s.b.: You've heard of Indian Standard Time and still expected a performance at noon? I would've been there at 3 p.m. at the earliest. But then, I'd have missed that no-doubt fascinating presentation on colorectal cancer. :)))
muser, ref to your reply to my comment: totally agree. living abroad has definitely made me closer to being a global citizen.
we had a very tough 6 months after my second child was born as she had mild reflux, which required her to be held upright after every feed (90 degrees, no slumping - even a bit of sliding down would make her uncomfortable). mom was here and later MIL so we pulled it off. however hubby had to go to work and my older kid had school. every single day i had at least 2 moms/dads from her school offering to do the school run in the morning. there were times when the said parent would come to pick her up and only then would i realise that they had come even though their child wasnt going to school that day (due to dental/doctor's appointment or whatever). sometimes they would pop over and just help in the house to give us a break. one mom actually cleaned up my floor when the baby did a leaky poo while i was cleaning her up. there is no desi in the school other than us and all the folks i just mentioned are non-desis.
we have good desi friends here but some of my dearest pals are this bunch of goras. i really really am a better person knowing them.
it is practically impossible to be fair to both sides - i don't know how you manage. you (we) will come out as a hypocrite (one way or the other) whatever you (we) do!
True. I said Ive seen both sides of the argument and folks. Folks who diss and folks who accept and vice versa on either of the situations.
I decide which side of the fence am gonna jump depending on how I feel and if the argument offered is fair enough. As in not judgemental and emotionally based remarks.
True, to a certain degree....but it overflows with stereotyping.
I ahve friends who claim that Maruti Esteem is a much sophisticated car than Toyota Camry. others claim that house in India are well built (With cement and stone!) unlike here. And, laments on the American bosses never stops.
At the other end of the spectrum, I do have friends who say "Hey, why do they drive in the wrong direction in India?". I have tons of friends who don't take their kids to India because it's oh so polluted.
Bottomline - you have people at both extremes. So, you really can't categorize us, ever!!!
But what is interesting in your post is the fact that very few Indians (if at all) interact with the localites. That is very true across the country, from what i ahve seen.
Food and Language are the two most important binding factors, especially food. And, let's accept it, culturally we are so damn different. it's plain hard to gel easily.
Come on, how many of us would go and play a "Pimp and Whore" game in an American party? Or for that matter how many of us are comfortable talking about our spouse's underwear at a dinner table? It is HARD.
We will certainly change our attitudes, practices and outlooks to a certain degree, beyond which we will confine ourselves to the group which we are comfortable with.
Everything is wrong with that, yet nothing's wrong.
Oh, and SB sent me here....
d.s.:
"Oh, and SB sent me here.... "
i need to start adding disclaimers saying i am not responsible for comments made by (anonymous) people who comment after following my links. i just gave you the link and you came here. now go jump! ;-)
seriously speaking, i have to refer back to a comment i had made a few months back - for us folks born in india, india vs. your_new_country is analogous (to a certain extent) to mother vs. wife. think about it. the only reason i don't say father vs. husband is a) we always think of india as motherland and b) how many blogs are devoted to husband vs. f-i-l, eh???
a muser:
are you going to the rmim meet or not? i would have gone, if i were there! [i will understand if after reading the above disclaimer, you are less inclined to ;-)]
- s.b.
Choxbox: I read your story on the reflux on a recent comment you made in MM's blog. Am so glad you got some help from the folks around you. I think when we first come here, we tend to think about how different we are from Americans. And the longer we stay here, we think how similar we are to them.
Rads: That's a good point.
DS: Welcome to my blog. Yes, I agree all humans will tend to congregate with those with common experiences and backgrounds. But it's important that there be some exposure, some interaction with the people of your adopted country. Otherwise, it gets unhealthy... and the kids suffer. Plus, what's the point of living in another country when all you want to do is create India all over again? It's just no fun! :)
s.b.: Mother versus wife... oh god, sounds like an Oedipus complex! Talk about unhealthy... ;) As for the RMIM meet, I am sorry, I didn't get that link. The one you sent me directs me to a web site for Tiny URLs (???)
a muser:
"The one you sent me directs me to a web site for Tiny URLs (???)"
sorry about that. too late now :-(, but at least you can enjoy the reports ...
- s.b.
Basically what so called NRI ppl do is that they Behave as a racist against INDIAN who Born in India but not in America.But every time they forget that we Asians have majority in world.Yeah its OK that we don't know how to speak English or write it American accent but as far a you could understand its good.I have many white friends and black friends here in America they never complaint about my English or anything else but i have experienced racism from NRI Indians in my class who thinks my english is poor.I don't know whether America belongs To NRI's or White and Black ppl.The Bottom line is that NRI ppl will pretend that they are fine when they meet you,But from the inside they are the biggest racist bastards alive on this planet.
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