So I was reading this interesting story on Yahoo! or someplace about "why men are unfaithful." According to the counselor who conducted some kind of study on unfaithful men, the number one reason why men cheat on their wives is, hold your breath, under-appreciation. Apparently men have a tremendous need to win, and if they feel that they are not "winning" in a relationship, they start to withdraw from their spouse.
So gee, on top of all the number of times we have to say "thank you" just because our husband deigns to put his dish in the sink, we have to figure out other ways to show our appreciation so that he doesn't stray!
OK, I can't complain. My husband not only puts his dishes in the sink, but washes them, loads the dishwasher, wipes down the kitchen counters and swiffers the floor. And I do appreciate it. I do. I am very vocal about my appreciation too. Is the compliment returned? Umm, not so often. In fact, getting a compliment from the husband's a lot like extracting teeth -- a painful experience.
Does that mean I am going to get down and dirty with somebody at the nearest motel? I don't think so! Sounds like an excuse to me.
On the other hand, everyone appreciates being appreciated, right? Cee Kay was ranting in a recent post about a similar thing. The double standard where the husband is praised to the skies by parents, in-laws, etc. for doing work around the house. But the lady of the house can't do enough for her family to be similarly praised. Even the husband, the person who one would think would be supremely aware of what his wife does to keep the family functioning in a well-oiled fashion -- even he seems to take all that work for granted.
It would be so nice to be appreciated by our spouses. Just once in a while. Just a few words is all it takes to make my day. To make all the cooking, cleaning, feeding feel less like chores and more like one's making a difference. Even when people KNOW that they're doing mundane stuff that needs to be done. Just because everyone has to do it, should it be any less of a big deal?
The counselor in the news story had some useful stuff to say too: about how it's important for a husband and wife to shut off the TV and the "Crackberrys" and communicate for about 45 minutes at least 4 times a week. I know if I don't "download" my day to P, I feel dissatisfied. Like I haven't completely de-stressed. And TV, email, blogging (!), cell phones all cut into the time I have with him.
So shut down the electricity and light some candles, people! Maybe we can then have a heart-to-heart about our MUTUAL need for appreciation.
11 comments:
Well written. And this post on under appreciation has come at the right time in my life now.
Feeling drained and blue now. But it's good to read strong posts like yours...
Very well written, Muser, and the thoughts presented in such a logical way, without raving and ranting, that they make a deep impact.
Mundane everyday chores like cooking, cleaning, feeding kids, getting them to take a nap etc. are always passed over in merit and somehow, do not add to a person's worth. Whether it's family members, friends, or total strangers, everyone tends to think that these make up a woman's responsibilities - and only when she's also managing her profession/business along with her family is she given some amount of credit.
Mamma mia, I hope all's well. Take care of yourself. And if you need an encouraging pat on the back, just holler!
Mystic, it's only now that I've realized how much work is involved in raising kids. My mom always complained about being under appreciated, and now I'm making up with fulsome praise. :) My dad, however, is still clueless...
Lovely post. I find that the normal home setting is not always conducive to good communication- too many distractions. A good walk or a tete-a-tete in a cafe is usually great, be it spouse or kids. At home we all end up doing our own things and get too busy to really talk, let alone show appreciation!
Dipali, you know, I forgot to mention that the counselor had said couples should have "date night" once a week where they go somewhere out of the house and don't talk about work, money or kids. I don't see it happening once a week or even once a month in my house -- since the kids are so small -- but once in a while, it would be awesome!
a muser:
'... why men cheat on their wives is, hold your breath, under-appreciation. Apparently men have a tremendous need to win, and if they feel that they are not "winning" in a relationship, they start to withdraw from their spouse.'
fwiw, and as the only guy other than terri that comments here, (speaking for myself) i beg to disagree.
- s.b.
s.b., what part of this do you disagree with? That under-appreciation is why men cheat? Or men's need to win? Or that men cheat at all? :)
Hey! Long time no hear! All well I hope! There's a wish for you on my blog...
Hi Mamma Mia! Will check it out. Have been out of action coz the parents are in town...
Very well written Muser.Guess its something to do with women having to be made to feel eternally grateful - what for I don't know . I hve been managing a home and a stress laden job for so many years now - and AG and my children and most importantly my mother in law have been my backbone.
a muser:
looks like you are back. here is my really really long response. hopefully, you have the patience to read it!
let's say we've got ms. buckeyefan, a big sports fan, here.
buckeyefan graduates from buckeye univ and lands her first job (either by researching different prospective employers himself, or she gets recommended to a company via the old girls network). needless to say, most things are discussed during the research and interview process and acceptable to both parties - employer and ms. buckeyefan.
now, ms. buckeyefan lands at her new workplace and finds out that the owner is mr. wolverine. the only sportsmag available, the wolverine sportstar, costs $20 per issue and is - obviously - heavily biased towards the opinion of the boss.
however, ms. buckeyefan buckles up to her new environs. every week, or every month, at the whims of mr. wolverine, ms. buckeyefan gets that week's edition of the wolverine sportstar. if buckeyefan complains about anything that goes on in the offfice and/or about the bias in reporting, she does not get the magazine delivered for the next week or two (sometimes, mr. wolverine is generous and credits ms. buckeyefan for her $20 per undelivered magazine; but that is rare).
during off season, it is ok - ms. buckeyefan reads his tennis stuff, a little bit of cricket etc where both employer and buckeyefan have similar interests, though here too, any dissent - even outside the scope of the magazine's biases - will result in temporary and arbitrary suspension of magazine.
after a few years, ms. buckeyefan has gotten into the swing of things and even writes a column on how the wolverines are better than the buckeyes - that the wolverines are, indeed, better also help ms. buckeyefan in this matter.
but now, there ar quite a few new independent sportsmags in town. new publications, started by independent contractors, i.e., they have allegiance neither to ms. buckeyefan's boss or to any other mafia. and, because of competition, these mags are cheaper too, say $1 to $5 apiece. a sports fan does not need to subscribe - she can get one at the newsstand.
however, if mr. wolverine catches ms. buckeyefan anywhere close to one of these newfangled magazines (whether or not he still subscribes to the wolverine newsletter), she will be fired. all is well and good until the wolverines have their worst season in their history - i mean, the team really sucks. there is no way ms. buckeyefan can write anything positive about the wolverines. so
a) she is not getting paid for her freelancing
b) she is still seeing articles in the wolverine sportstar about how wolverines are better than buckeyes, and how they will crush the buckeyes next week.
she has had enough. she sneaks out, and just about plops the $5 to buy one of the independent mags, when she is caught by one of mr. wolverine's agents. do you think she will say that she bought the competing newspaper because:
a) it was 75% cheapers than mr. wolverine's magazine, or
b) because it sucks that she cannot get mr. wolverine's magazine on a regular basis, and - even when she does get it - its views don't really match hers.
- s.b.
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