*Warning: Long, rambling, possibly scatter-brained post.
I am in the middle of re-reading "I Feel Bad About My Neck" -- a collection of essays by Nora Ephron. For those unfamiliar with Ephron, she wrote the screenplays of two of my favorite movies "When Harry Met Sally" and "Sleepless in Seattle" (which she also directed), as well as "You've Got Mail" -- Meg Ryan owes her career to Ephron. She's also the author of numerous funny, insightful books, other than this particular collection, which deals with being a woman "of a certain age."
So the reason I'm blogging about E is what she says in one of the essays "Parenting in 3 Stages." In this piece, she talks about how parenting seemed a fairly straightforward business, until the 1960s, when she had kids. Quoting here, "You can blame the women's movement for it -- one of the bedrock tenets of the women's movement was that because so many women were entering the workforce, men and women should share in the raising of children; thus the gender-neutral word 'parenting' and the necessity of elevating child rearing to something more than the endless hours of quantity time it actually consists of.
"Conversely, you can blame the backlash against the women's movement -- lots of women didn't feel like entering into the workforce (or even sharing the raising of children with their husbands), but they felt guilty about this, so they were compelled to elevate full-time parenthood to a sacrament."
She goes on to make her case with lots of examples, including "playing Mozart CDs while you were pregnant, doing without the epidural, and breast-feeding your child until it was old enough to unbutton your blouse." (! So funny!)
This brought to mind a struggle we women, educated, highly qualified mothers, are facing these days. Let me see if I can articulate my thoughts in some cohesive manner.
If you're a stay-at-home mom like moi, chances are you've patted yourself in the back often with a self-satisfied smug smile, because you've sacrificed your no-doubt high falutin' career for The Greater Good. We are martyrs, we are. Not like our own moms, who, let's face it, didn't HAVE a career and barely any education to sacrifice for The Cause. They were parents just because they didn't have anything better to do.
And if you're a working mom, chances are not a day goes by when you don't feel guilty about having a life that doesn't include your kids. So you struggle. You compromise. Maybe you work from home. Maybe you take a pay cut and work part-time. Or you just live with the guilt of Not Watching Your Children Grow or Not Being There For Them.
Where am I going with this? I really don't know. I'm sure I'm not saying this as well as I want to. What comes back to me is this friend I met at a party recently. She's a biologist, who's worked very, very hard for her Ph.D. She's spent a few years as a post-doc. And she's a mom of two kids. She'd just gone part-time and was feeling glum.
"Why is it always we women who have to make these choices?" she complained. "I'm thinking right now that there was no point in my studying so much if all I was going to do was stay at home with the kids. But I feel guilty for working -- I don't even remember my youngest son's childhood. I want to have it all."
I listened, nodding sympathetically. But I disagreed with her on several points. First, her argument that she might as well have done just a B.S. if all it boiled down to was "just" staying at home. I think any and all education enhances one's life experiences, colors beliefs, boosts self-confidence, even a sense of self. If you're rearing a child, you're passing all that wonderful stuff on, so this should be a no-brainer.
Second, I told her she needed to define what "all" was. She wanted to be a full-time professional pouring all her energy and dedication to her job, as well as a mom who was a constant presence in her kids' lives. Since she couldn't be in two places at one time, that was just not possible. So what did she mean by "all"? And by working part-time, hadn't she come as close as she could to having it all? Why not?
She had man-envy. Her husband didn't have to make that choice, she said. I didn't say anything then, but it did get me thinking. Our husbands don't "have it all" either. They aren't always physically there for their kids -- does that mean they care less? If not, where is their sense of guilt? Is the answer that our kids need moms more than they need their dads? Or that they just need one parent to be always physically there? At what point do they stop needing that constant presence?
My mom was always physically there for me -- she was there when I left for school, when I came home to lunch, when I did my homework, when I had my dinner (except for the weekends when she and my dad transmogrified into party animals, but that's another story). Despite all that, I was always closer to my dad.
So, to stay at home or not? If so, for how long? If not, why feel guilty?
The bottom line I think is for the mother to be happy, whatever she's chosen to do. If she's happy, the kids are happy. If she's happy, she has it all. Simplistic? Possibly. But heck, it works for me.
18 comments:
Not a parent yet, but I can see what you're saying. And yes, I think it's about the woman deciding how much of a full-time Mom she wants to be. There is nothing wrong with letting go a little bit.
And I'm always interested in knowing how well Dads connect with their kids despite never even having DREAMT of chucking up work to be with their kids full time. I sometimes think it is some sort of bio/socio-logical programming in women that they need to be around. Men might wish they were around to watch their babies grow up, but they would rarely think of going to such 'lengths' to achieve that.
For a Dad to establish his necessity in a child's world is that much more challenging, I sometimes feel, because he is not 'required' to be present, yet he must make himself loved, and important, and someone to run to, and all this only in a few hours every day.
Your second from last line "if she is happy, she has it all" says everything. I believe so too. A mom who is happy with her choices is critical for a family's happiness.
You know, I agree this bio/socio-logical programming you're talking about is why moms feel the guilt, etc. What's interesting is, is it more socio than bio? Because you do see stay-at-home dads more and more, as you see career-focused professional mamas. I can tell you with Raina and her dad, the bonding began in small ways, when she began associating her dad as that guy who takes her for walks when he enters the door. Rohan's still not at that point, so it's fun to watch and see when the daddy demands will begin!
GTN: Is it as simple as that? Or are you and I just simple folks?
Yeah, keep your eye out for when Rohan begins creating an image of 'dad' for himself. And yes, I think it is more sociological than biological. As the trend becomes more common, it will be an easier thing for men to think of.
Wonderful wonderful wonderful post! You said it all, and so well.
I am so with you on all of this, (though I'm probably your mother's age!)
Anamika: And then what? Do you think moms will feel less guilty about being the ones at work? I certainly hope so.
Dipali: Thanks! I have so many different thoughts in my head about this issue, it's amazing it made any sense at all!
Amuser, I think so because I have the experience from both sides. I remember how unhappy I was when I was unable to work and how J had to sometimes walk on eggshells around me. Now when I AM working, I think our home is more cheerful, our family spends more time together. You can say I am a simple person. I have very simple needs. And I do believe parenting is more fun when one is content with one's choices.
I believe the need that moms feel to stay at home with their kids is more sociological than biological. Those of us who grew up hearing this view, or those who themselves had not-too-great experiences as children of working-out-of-home mothers feel this more strongly than some of us. I grew up with a WOH mom. I saw her balance her work and family beautifully and grew up believing I could do so too. I did decide to take the first year off to stay home with S for practical reasons (we were in a new country where we didn't know anyone and were very wary of the "culture" we thought was prevalant here), but I felt no biological "urge" to stay at home with her. That didn't make me love or care for her any less, and that didn't make me a bad mother either. the problem, in my opinion, is the generalization I see all around without any regard for the individual personality that a mom has. People just assume that since she is a mom, she MUST have these feelings or views.
Yes, dads have to leave the baby and go to work too - and that must be hard on them. I know it was hard for J. But that is sociological too. With S, J was nervous and of the opinion that I'll be better able to take care of her than him. but with M he is more relaxed and confident. He can do everything for M that I can, and does. He massages her, bathes her, feeds her whenever I am not home, and many times even when I AM home.
As for moms feeling guilty about leaving their babies at home while they go out to work is purely a matter of social conditioning in my opinion. When it becomes a norm for dads to stay at home with the baby while the mom goes out to earn a living (yeah right! not in MY lifetime :D), I am sure this conditioning will weaken.
GTN, I totally get what you're saying, and agree with you about: "the problem, in my opinion, is the generalization I see all around without any regard for the individual personality that a mom has. People just assume that since she is a mom, she MUST have these feelings or views."
I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for Raina, but after 10 months of having conversations just with her (it can get lonely here in the States), I was going a little crazy and jumped at the chance of working from home and consequently putting R in a home daycare for a few hours a week. Again, now that Rohan's here, I am not working anymore and am content -- for now. Let's see how long that lasts!
agree 100%.
Muser - having brought up 2 children as a working mom - in a stressful job has not alwats been easy.I've had innumerable guilt trips and have tried to "compensate" in more ways than one to satisfy myself that I was being a good mother. One of my children is a grad student , the other still in school . Both are bright and independent without unnecessary baggage and both are happy kids . At the end of the day you want a well adjusted , happy, good child who respects the values you teach them and lives by them. My husband who has an equally demanding job has never had the slightest compunction in doing his bit and it has often been a bigger bit than mine . Therefore we have adjusted and compromised and we have worked out do able solutions.
But yes its often the woman who has to compromise a little more possibly because she feels its a role /gender based thing .
Choxbox: :) Great to know.
Eve's Lungs: Despite your stressful job, it sounds like you (and your husband) did a great job in passing on your values to your kids. You recognized the value of having "happy" kids too -- I can't imagine how hard it must have been. I am curious to know how you "compensated." Because it sure sounds like it worked! Goes to show you don't have to be a stay-at-home mom to have happy, well-adjusted children.
Forgot to include a hug :)
Thanks, EL, and right back at you!
I read this post quite a while back but didn't have time to comment. Recently moved to a new city and life's been hectic. Wonderful post - I feel it's probably more of a societal pressure that causes the guilt. At the end of the day, as long as one is comfortable with choices made, it's ok. Every family is different - and what works for one might not work for another. Where are you? Baby R keeping you busy?
Mystic, great to hear from you after a longish while! Yes, both the Rs have been keeping their mommy on her toes -- and off the computer. Good luck in settling into life in the new city!
Earth calling to Muser ... do you hear me ? Eart calling....
Where are you ?
great post. yes. you have to make the choice that makes you happy. you're so right.
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